Through much prayer, study, and discussions with good friends I have continued in faith. Trusting that He really is watching over me and when I am ready and when His timing is fulfilled I will begin to see what I now cannot. It is now four months after having moved away from Provo, three months from the end of a relationship I thought could last and so many moments of uncertainty and pain. I can now begin to see. I do not see the path I am on, nor do I see all that will come. But what I can see is a glimmer of light and the formation of a path, and I know it is good. The events of the past week have been both stressful and remarkable in the development of life.
Due to previous experience and growth I do not expect this vision to remain indefinitely. But rather I have stronger faith that He is guiding me and I have not strayed too far. With these glimpses of light and understanding I can endure through the darkness and unknown.
With this talk of finding the correct path however I have also learned that there is not one single path that we are to take. In Sunday school and firesides I have learned this again and again but yesterday this became more real to me that it ever could have from just being told about it.
I have been struggling with the decision to go on a mission. Not being willing to commit to going without absolute confirmation and yet knowing it to be a good thing. All the while I have been pondering this option fear has seeped into my heart and I have hesitated. Along the way another plan, path, option came into my mind. Though this also was not an easy decision and commitment to make, I have decided to step down this path (having waited for too long at the entrance of another).
Yesterday, as I was reading in the Doctrine and Covenants section 9, I read again of an experience Oliver Cowdery had as he sought permission and ability to translate. He was given the gift to do so with a little reprimand in how he had begun. Then, he allowed fear to come into his heart. I know not what specifically that fear was based upon, whether it was a doubt of his own abilities or questioning his standing before God or any other concern, but I connected with how he may have been feeling. As we continue to read we learn the direction of the Lord to Oliver. He said that when Oliver had begun the process of becoming a translator it was expedient for him to do so, but because of his actions it was no longer expedient; essentially the Lord told Oliver that he would no longer be allowed to translate. Something in his hesitation changed the situation.
Following this sobering change for Oliver the Lord reassures him that he is still in good favor with God, that “neither [He nor Joseph] did the Lord condemn” because of their actions. I feel that this is much the way my recent situation has been. When I was originally planning to go on a mission it was good and expedient. But through my choices and the experiences I have had in the meantime because of my hesitation it is no longer expedient. My path has changed. I have often worried that if I make a wrong choice and step onto the wrong path what would happen, would I ruin forever my chances to receive all the blessings that could have been mine. I now believe and trust that this is not the case, that the Lord is indeed merciful and loving and will provide for us the opportunities we need to grow to become like Him. If we falter along the way we do not loose forever the position we once held, but rather He will adjust our path to include experience which will shape us as He would have us be.
The experiences we have in life shape us into the beings our Father in Heaven would have us be. If then we miss one experience another will take its place. The destination we are seeking does not change, only the route in which we travel will shift. It is our duty to try our best to make those righteous choices and actions that will allow our Savior to continue to work in our lives. As we do this and trust in Him and in the love of our Eternal Father we have the promise that we will eventually see. That we will know the purposes of God and His mysteries. I look forward to that day and strive ever more to be diligent in accomplishing the tasks I am assigned with joy and cheerfulness in my heart.
All now mysterious shall be bright at last
