Today during a casual conversation with my loving mother she suggested that I go purchase some ice cream for our family this evening and I affirmed that I was planning on it. I also made the comment that I may get some other treats as well, because, well I sure need some good comfort food. After I made that statement and the conversation concluded I continued to ponder what I had said, and I realized that it was rather incorrect; it is a nice cliché statement to make, to turn to comfort foods, but it is not accurate.
Perhaps this girls’ night is closest to my heart at this time because I have been experiencing that pain this week. The situation I have found myself in being less than ideal and not at all what I anticipated has left me questioning much in my life and sorrowful for what may be lost to me. All the while my mother and father have been my sole confidents save two.
Though right now I feel that my heart may be breaking I have not turned to the comfort of foods or anything worldly. Instead I have instinctively turned to the Lord, immersing myself in His word and the words of His servants, for I have learned throughout my life that in Him is the greatest comfort. I have spent this past week for the most part fasting, eating good solid meals only when my body absolutely needs nourishment and no snacking. Accompanying this fast of food has been a fast from any worldly media as much as possible, save communications such as phone, email, and occasionally facebook which have all been kept to a minimum. Instead of indulging in these worldly things, that I consider to be worldly comforts, I have filled that time and void with the word of God and His eternal truths.
During this period of fasting and soul searching I have learned many truths about the gospel as well as about myself and been greatly strengthened. The questions in my mind have not been resolved and the pain in my heart remains, but I have come to an even greater assurance that both my Father in Heaven and my Savior Jesus Christ are there for me and love me, even more than I can comprehend. I have felt the arms of Christ’s love enfold me and hold me when all I wanted to do, and could do, was cry to Him. My Father in Heaven has been there to listen and send peace to my soul as I have divulged the feelings and pains in my soul as well as the questions that have long clouded my mind.
These feelings are not new to me, but as the sorrows and trials in my heart become deeper and harder I find that the strength I receive from the Lord is greater as well, and more than proportionally so. I have felt what the prophets in the Book of Mormon have described, the Lord does not remove our trials from us but strengthens us in those trials that we may endure through them. This process of working through and enduring through truly does strengthen the heart and the soul. We can become surer and more steady in who we are, in our conviction of the gospel, and in our devotion to our Savior and Heavenly Father. This is one of the most powerful lessons I have learned through this experience and has brought me great solace; much more than I could expect from food, media, etc. that the world may put forth as a comfort. These are counterfeit and give counterfeit comfort, and honestly end up leaving the one in emotional pain in a bit of physical pain as well.
The solace and peace I have found came through diligently seeking to do all I can to have the spirit of God to be with me, being worthy of His presence. President Eyring made this comment, “A choice to be good – even with the trials that come will allow the Atonement to change your heart. In time and after persistence, your wants and even your needs will change.” That in itself is comfort to me. I do not have to feel concerned or lacking because of the weaknesses and imperfections I can see in myself now, but rather I can be assured that as I continue on this path with persistence that the Atonement of my Savior will work in me, and purify my soul eliminating from my character the weaknesses I now see so clearly, as well as those I do not yet see.
We receive many blessings through the gospel of Jesus Christ. This ability to become like Him, even as such imperfect beings is that which brings the most peace and joy to my heart. I have faith that He know me and He knows the sorrows I see and will yet see and He is there waiting to help me through it every step as long as I continue to turn to Him. Seek and ye shall find, Knock and it shall be opened unto you.
