Railroad Switch and Blockade

Often we say that we seek the Lord’s direction in our lives and wait for instruction on where we should go or what we should do. In these circumstances I have found myself wondering if I could possibly miss the direction I have been given. I wonder what that direction would look like and whether I will be open to its influence when it comes. Recently I have been seeking more than ever that direction from my Father in Heaven, helping me to know who I should be and where I should go. In these decisions I need to make I have felt his peaceful influence calming my spirits but rarely feel that I have received direct answers or direction. I would like to be told which direction I should go clearly so that I may not mistake or question.

Both fortunately and unfortunately that is not the way revelation seems to work for me. I have found the pattern of direction comes much more subtly. I ponder and search out which direction I should follow and make the best decision I can, then I can take that road knowing that if it be wrong or off in any way He will correct me. And correct me He has.

In one experience I had made a decision to take a path that I thought right and good and at the time I believe it was. But then circumstances changed and another pathway opened up to me. So through much prayer, pondering and fasting I determined that the Lord was directing me down this other path. Assuring me along the way that this was where He wished me to head. Thus I adjusted my course and the promise of peace and reassurance came. During this time I discussed this decision making with a close friend and he described the change as a road block. I thought about that for a moment feeling that his description was not quite right, but rather it was more like a rail change; a shift in the track that I was on and meant to follow. As I continued to move down the track towards a worthwhile goal the Lord was able to make the rail shift that would take me where He would have me go.

Most times I believe our Father does not put road blocks in our path to stop us cold when we have chosen incorrectly. Only in dire circumstances of danger or sin would that abrupt halt occur. Rather He asks us to power our lives down the track toward Him in the best way we can manage and He will arrange the rest. Whether it takes a rail change now and then, taking us over bridges or through tunnels He will ensure that we arrive at our destination safely and with the necessary preparation to be comfortable then. All the twists and bends in the route may not make sense to us in the moment, but I am certain that He is in charge; and each bump in the road is preparing us for that which we will need to accomplish later down the road.

It takes patience and great trust to allow Him to take over the grand direction of our lives. But I have found also that it takes a balance of allowing Him to direct and not failing to act for ourselves. The key to relating our lives to a railway is that we must start the train down a path before He can switch the rails. WE must be in control of beginning the journey, keeping the momentum going strong and being sensitive to those subtle changes in the path. We know it will not be easy. But we know that it will not be lonely, if we invite and allow our Savior Jesus Christ to travel with us. He will never let us down, He will never leave us, and He will never let us fail if we remain worthy to have Him continually by our side.

Comfort Foods and Solace

Ice cream, cookies, cake and custard. These are only a few of the foods I think of as my favorite comfort foods. The things I want to grab and snack on, or binge on, when I am stressed, worried, or in pain. You know what I mean, the traditional girls night where a carton of chocolate ice cream and a package of cookies are devoured by friends or roommates in honor of a myriad of occasions. There are those for congratulations and those for consoling. The most prevalent in my memories are those nights that follow a breakup where friends and roommates gather around in support and sympathy. Though relieving these may be I feel that there is a far better source of solace and peace that can be sought during these times of pain and heartache.

Today during a casual conversation with my loving mother she suggested that I go purchase some ice cream for our family this evening and I affirmed that I was planning on it. I also made the comment that I may get some other treats as well, because, well I sure need some good comfort food. After I made that statement and the conversation concluded I continued to ponder what I had said, and I realized that it was rather incorrect; it is a nice cliché statement to make, to turn to comfort foods, but it is not accurate.

Perhaps this girls’ night is closest to my heart at this time because I have been experiencing that pain this week. The situation I have found myself in being less than ideal and not at all what I anticipated has left me questioning much in my life and sorrowful for what may be lost to me. All the while my mother and father have been my sole confidents save two.

Though right now I feel that my heart may be breaking I have not turned to the comfort of foods or anything worldly. Instead I have instinctively turned to the Lord, immersing myself in His word and the words of His servants, for I have learned throughout my life that in Him is the greatest comfort. I have spent this past week for the most part fasting, eating good solid meals only when my body absolutely needs nourishment and no snacking. Accompanying this fast of food has been a fast from any worldly media as much as possible, save communications such as phone, email, and occasionally facebook which have all been kept to a minimum. Instead of indulging in these worldly things, that I consider to be worldly comforts, I have filled that time and void with the word of God and His eternal truths.

During this period of fasting and soul searching I have learned many truths about the gospel as well as about myself and been greatly strengthened. The questions in my mind have not been resolved and the pain in my heart remains, but I have come to an even greater assurance that both my Father in Heaven and my Savior Jesus Christ are there for me and love me, even more than I can comprehend. I have felt the arms of Christ’s love enfold me and hold me when all I wanted to do, and could do, was cry to Him. My Father in Heaven has been there to listen and send peace to my soul as I have divulged the feelings and pains in my soul as well as the questions that have long clouded my mind.

These feelings are not new to me, but as the sorrows and trials in my heart become deeper and harder I find that the strength I receive from the Lord is greater as well, and more than proportionally so. I have felt what the prophets in the Book of Mormon have described, the Lord does not remove our trials from us but strengthens us in those trials that we may endure through them. This process of working through and enduring through truly does strengthen the heart and the soul. We can become surer and more steady in who we are, in our conviction of the gospel, and in our devotion to our Savior and Heavenly Father. This is one of the most powerful lessons I have learned through this experience and has brought me great solace; much more than I could expect from food, media, etc. that the world may put forth as a comfort. These are counterfeit and give counterfeit comfort, and honestly end up leaving the one in emotional pain in a bit of physical pain as well.

The solace and peace I have found came through diligently seeking to do all I can to have the spirit of God to be with me, being worthy of His presence. President Eyring made this comment, “A choice to be good – even with the trials that come will allow the Atonement to change your heart. In time and after persistence, your wants and even your needs will change.” That in itself is comfort to me. I do not have to feel concerned or lacking because of the weaknesses and imperfections I can see in myself now, but rather I can be assured that as I continue on this path with persistence that the Atonement of my Savior will work in me, and purify my soul eliminating from my character the weaknesses I now see so clearly, as well as those I do not yet see.

We receive many blessings through the gospel of Jesus Christ. This ability to become like Him, even as such imperfect beings is that which brings the most peace and joy to my heart. I have faith that He know me and He knows the sorrows I see and will yet see and He is there waiting to help me through it every step as long as I continue to turn to Him. Seek and ye shall find, Knock and it shall be opened unto you.

Guidance through the Dark

I am always amazed how the Lord guides and directs our lives as we open the door and allow Him to enter. From the time I was a little child I have been taught that we can rely upon the Lord to provide us with direction and instruction through this journey of life. Throughout this summer especially I have seen so much what can happen when I allow my Lord and Savior into my life completely. I began the summer apprehensive not knowing how it would turn out I had just graduated from BYU and had absolutely no idea what was next. The only step I knew was that I would be working with the Especially For Youth program in southern Utah and Arizona. Even with my previous experience I knew this year would be different. I had taken upon myself different responsibilities and had the opportunity to move outside of the Provo region. Each step of the way I interacted with new people and learned so many things about the gospel, myself and what I really want and need to do in this life.

With each turn of the road I saw little by little how the Lord had directed the movements of my life and choreographed the events to put me in the right place and teach me just what I needed to learn. Whether it be through conversations with others, stresses or struggles I experienced, or joyful moments I have been mentored and taught wonderous things. Through all this, I felt great worry and concern for what I would be doing at the end of the summer. Would I get a job offer for a teaching position? Was I to remain in Utah or move home to Ohio? Was I to serve a mission for the Church or was there some other calling that the Lord had in store for me? So much was my mind caught up in this unknown that I was constantly stressed about it; trying my best to do all that I could to be worthy of the Lord's direction but feeling that I was getting none. Each time that I would pray about what I was to do I would receive a calming feeling and the assurance that I need not stress. But how was I not to stress, I felt that I was running out of time to make plans. What I needed to learn this whole time was that it was the Lord's plan that was to followed, not mine. I was asking to be directed how I should proceed forward in life before I stepped forward; but this is not what the Lord requires of us.

During my experience at the Hill Cumorah Pageant I received the instruction that I was to make a plan the best that I new how and then turn it over to the Lord. Not meaning that I made a plan and then idly waited, but rather that I set a plan the best that I knew how and then did everything I could to carry it out. In doing this I knew that as I remained faithful to Him and sought to keep His commandments He would direct my steps as I moved down one path or another. Recently there was an article published in the Ensign about firefighters who learned this same lesson (July 2011 Ensign, Start Moving). As we wait upon the Lord to provide us with direction we must be actively moving down one path or another in order to be directed by Him. Thus, the path that I determined I would travel down was actively preparing for a mission. I have been pondering the idea of going for a long time but at this moment I felt that I needed to act more definitively about it and make great steps to go. So, the next week I talked to my Mom about whether I should meet with my Bishop in Utah about it and get papers moving or whether I should wait until the end of the summer when I moved home. Her counsel was to have my records moved to their family ward and then start the papers as soon as possible from there; and this I did. In the process as usual things were delayed and it did not progress as quickly as I had imagined; but my resolve was set and my mind made up that I would go.

In the subsequent weeks as I truly sought to turn my life over to the Savior and purely do His will I saw opportunity after opportunity open up which allowed me to not only serve others but to myself be prepared for what was to come. I still do not know how everything will turn out. But because I have experimented on His word and trusted in Him being faithful to every commandment that He has given, I am confident that things will work out in the perfection of our Savior. In all of this I know life will not be easy and the path will not always be clear, but I know that I must trust in him, acknowledge him in all things and allow him to direct me (Proverbs 3:5). This is the only way I can truly become all that my Father in Heaven would have me be and I am prepared to do ALL that is required to stand before Him at the last day and hear him say well done and envelope me in his arms of love (D&C 6:20).

No matter how long the winter, spring is sure to follow.

In all the world there are so many beauties and majesties the fall with the brightly colored leaves and the harvest coming in, winter with the brilliant snow, summer with the warm sun and long days, and spring with all its color and light. Of all the seasons, I must admit I do love spring the best. There is much with spring that warms the heart and brings great hope for the coming months. Many people have coined clever or cliché sayings about this time of year to express the magic that it brings “spring is the beginning of new life”, “spring is earth’s surprise to man”, and “April showers bring May flowers”.

Each year as winter wears on and the snows diminish I look forward to the signs of spring. The birds begin to come back and sing again in the trees, slowly the flowers push their way through the ground to the surface growing stronger and taller as the weeks go on, and then the rains come. Even though the rain is not pleasant to walk in and may disrupt plans outside there is an assurance that after the rains cease the grass will grow greener and new life will appear all around.

Though there are so many lovely things about this season, there is one that I will cherish all my life: cherry blossoms. Each year I look forward to spring with the trees heavily laden with blossoms so much that one would almost think them covered with snow. There are pink ones, white ones; some that smell beautiful, and others that do not. Nevertheless, each appears to be a cloud of perfect comfort sent directly from heaven at the close of the harsh winter months. As I admire these trees and their glorious flowers, I love to see the little birds hopping around and singing their hearts out, seemingly expressing their joy for spring and the blossoming blooming trees.

For now, I admire the trees and the flowers; smiling to myself every time I catch the fragrance of a flower in the wind. Still there is much to look forward to during this wonderful season of spring. I wait for baby birds, for thunderstorms, and newborn deer grazing with their mothers. I look forward to the warm sun and continuous color and change. I am so grateful for the wondrous blessing our Father in Heaven has given to us His children to live in such a magnificent world full of beauties and adventure. Here we can surely grow to become like Him as we strive to better ourselves and give service to our brothers and sisters here.